Tuesday, 15 May 2012


Today's tale has become one of my most told and now I will share it with the rest of you. I have had my fair amount of rude, moronic and simply stupid customers coming up to me. But if anyone was to ask me who was the most memorable, the BUNTING MAN would be the first to come to mind.

It was just before the royal wedding in 2011 and I was helping a young woman in her late 20's select the right size storage container for her kids toys. I actually had an excellent sales assistant/customer rapport going on with her and we had just found the perfect box when this happened ...

I feel a bulky-sweaty-red-faced-alcoholic-lard-belly presence approaching me. I directly avoid eye contact (standard) and continue speaking to the lady I am already serving. I then feel his overly stubbly face popping my personal bubble so I look up to avoid being exhaled on by his bogging fumes. 

I am then "greeted" with the doziest most unintelligible laying of words I've ever heard "GOT BUNTIN'?!" Excuse me? What now? Was that English? Are you sure you formed a whole sentence?

After wiping the spit from my mug I realised just how much this guy looked like a Monster Munch character, only nowhere near as tasty. I had no idea what this "BUNTIN'" was so I did what any other sane person would do and asked "What do you use it for?". I received a look of hatred as though I had robbed his first Special Brew six pack of the day (which I could presently see sweating out of his pores). He looked at me with utter disgust when I asked this question "What do you mean, What do you use it for?!" At this point I had to have so much self restraint even though I wanted to burst. I slowly released my next few sentences through gritted teeth so he could thoroughly understand "I don't know what it is? ... So if you don't tell me what it is ... then I won't be able to tell you if we sell it or not?" He then realised he had been a dick head and sheepishly said "It's for the royal wedding" followed abruptly by me "by customer services" I then swivelled and turned my back to him before he could continue with his arrogance. How am I supposed to know what bunting is? I'm sorry but I wasn't alive during the last royal wedding in 198-fucking-1!!! Obviously I know what it is now ..

Buntin' innit?!

... but that's not the point. I asked him a simple question and as if he wasn't being rude enough already by interrupting me and another customer he had the cheek to try and condescend over me. Yeah mate the only thing you have a plus on me with is your age! So take your bunting and stick it up your arse flag by flag!!! You leech!

Leech = a customer who interrupts you while you're already serving somebody because they are too idle, ignorant and lazy to find someone else!

Next Week: Foreign Exchange.

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Till Says No! - Part. 2

As promised here is the sequel to the previous rolling off of till tramps! This week I shall be describing to you the other array of twat sacks who I serve on a day to day basis via the check outs. 

The first port of call is The Awkward. This customer will always approach you with a friendly manner and are normally so cheery that it will make you want to actually do your job and serve them with a smile (Shocking I know but it does happen). HOWEVER by the end of the transaction you seriously just want to END them! The reason being is once all the pleasantries are over and done with they begin with the awkwardness. One time I am serving a lady and her elderly mother. She tells me to let her know once the toll has reached a certain amount. I think this is a fairly simple request and I comply. I have scanned about 5 items and she says with haste as though she is trying to get her sentence out before shitting her panties "How much is that now?!" It is not anywhere near the amount she sited but she still quizzes it. "How is that much already?!" I'd never had to utter the next phrase I use but blatantly she is an imbecile "I've scanned the items and that's how much it's come to" DOINK! She then sucks up more till time by asking me to check each individual item and their prices. She decides that the dancing penguin Xmas decoration she has picked up is £10 more expensive than it was on the shelf. I then get a person from the seasonal department to go check and she goes with him (remember my queue is already building at this point). She returns after discovering she was very wrong about her observations and decides "No I won't have that then". So then after cancelling that item we go back to scanning and she decides there are two more items she doesn't want. Then reaching her limit she decides she wants to lower it causing me to have to cancel yet more items. I get a casual "thank you" as she leaves with her herd of bags while I am left with half a fucking department on my counter because of her indecisive zombie like shopping skills #AWKWARD!!!

And last but most definitely not the least quiet of the bunch. The Tantrum. I have so many examples of these attention seeking toddlers (who are supposedly grown adults) but I will just give you an idea with one brat tale.

Brewing Tantrum Face!

It's a busy Sunday during the festive season and I have scanned more Xmas decorations than I care to remember. My mouth is dry, my mood is solemn, my brain is melting from being on the till too long and I quite frankly just can't be dealing with any more customers but alas my queue is humongous and it is soon to be full of inappropriately irate shoppers. I have just reached for the last item in a ladies basket and to my absolute amazement (sarcasm) there is no label to scan. I ask for a member of staff from that department to go get one for me. As the store is full to the brim they have a little trouble getting there and back. This is quite understandable on an extremely busy day, well it is to everyone but the ABSOLUTE CLIT CLOT BITCH SMEG COCK FACE behind the lady I am serving. No more than 30 seconds after my colleague has gone on a search for the label he nudges forward with a smarmy vagina looking expression on his mug. "Can you not just serve the rest of us while you are waiting" As though he was the voice of the customers republic! "I can't do that I'm afraid" "There must be a way you can do it ..." then louder so everyone could hear "... WHAT KIND OF SHOP IS THIS?" Then the lady I am actually serving and attempting to help chirps in with her shrill grandma clungey voice "I don't want to hold everybody up. You should serve the next person" Then other people behind the sap are nodding subtly - what is this, am I firing up an angry mob. They might attack! Then the ring leader beeps back in "This is ridiculous! I have permission from this lady to be served". My reply "NO" ... I turn away. 

You just need to be firm with a tantrum ;-)

See you next week for a lesson in bunting! believe me you don't want to miss it :-)

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Till Says No! - Part 1

I am normally located on the shop floor while at work. But from time to time I will be summoned to the check outs. Now normally this is a breeze and you're just there to relieve the queues and then you're off again. HOWEVER on the odd occasion it can feel like a conveyor belt of invalids passing you one after another. There are various types of till twats of course and this I shall be discussing today.

The first of these half breeds is The Rude. One particular day I had been majorly busy on the shop floor and had a lot more to do before the end of my shift. While in the middle of one of these activities I was inconveniently called to the tills. I wasn't too happy about this but went unwillingly anyway. My face was that of glumness and aggravation. As some of the customers had been waiting a while in the previous queue they were stood in I was not greeted with very gleeful punters, rather a line of murderous and vacant stares. Like I'm bothered that you've been waiting 5 minutes in a queue while I've been sweating my bollocks off all day trying to make the shop a nicer and more efficient place for you to shop! Anywho, I served the first couple who completely blanked me. At this point I avoided there blatant ignorance by checking on the length of my queue. I noticed that two people down this lady around 65 was giving me bare evils! Normally this would make me act hostile towards her but I thought that I would prove her obvious thoughts of me wrong and be overly nice as she approached the till. I CLEARLY said "hi" and then as I had no response but a creased up grimaced granny fanny face staring back at me with disgust I started scanning her items. Then she spits "HELLO?" I halt my scanning and look at her with confusion "sorry?" She boils and shakes like a saggy wrinkled volcano and repeats like a spacker "HELLO?!"

 Volcano Face!

She has said this singular greeting word to me as though I had had my back turned to her the whole time and had not greeted her. I then said with all the angst in my belly "I actually already said hi to you". Her volcanic eruption was soon made dormant with that as she feebly responded "well that's OK then" I then gracefully launched the full bag at her and flung the receipt into her decrepit hands as I sent her on her un-merry way!

Next on the cattle march is The Pompous. I am confronted with a middle aged couple. The woman is instantly opening bags and preparing to pack with her head down. I then look to the husband and his pig ugly red face. Yes people this is most definitely a case of battered wife! So I am already taking a disliking to this man and my opinion is not improving by the end of this story. The last item I scan is a gravy boat and it's base. The grunter asks me very arrogantly for some bubble wrap and claims in his condescending tone "or it's going to break isn't. It should already be in bubble wrap to be honest" *tut*. I then gladly tell him and his stinking attitude that we don't provide bubble wrap. His then complete ignoramus reply is "That's ridiculous! All shops have bubble wrap. Harrods provide bubble wrap". Harrods? FUCKING HARRODS?!!! Look around man bitch we are not on Oxford Street and this is not bloody London! if it was I certainly wouldn't be sitting here working to assist tits like you! in reality I simply shook my head at him and abruptly shrugged as I turned away from him. "That's it I'm going to wait in the car!" BYE BYE NOW! His wife then continued to pack and pay. I was nothing but polite to her as I knew what was awaiting for her back in that car!  

So be on the look out for The Rude and The Pompous for me friends and make sure you give them a swift back hander! Thanks!!!!

Part. 2 next week - we look at The Awkward and The Tantrum

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Off the Scale!

Howdy y'all!!!!

I've been an idle moron and not written in a while. But this can mean only one thing. lots more customer related mayhem to fill you in on!!!

It seems that a singular day does not go by at work without a theft of some sort. Yet another reason why I find it extremely difficult to be pleasant to some of these zombies.
They are potentially trying to ask you the locations of items they wish to hoard under their scabby track suits and for the ladies ... under their scabby track suits, until they casually sway like a primal ape out of the store with the concealed item.

The main reason I am anti-thief is because I have to tidy up the fucking pandemonium mess they leave behind. I once found a mountain of security strips clinging to the packaging of an item which evidently didn't need one of the bloody things on it let alone 57! I then discovered what seemed to be the whole of the arts & crafts section in a laundry basket with yet more s
trips amongst them. This little hobo had stolen more than £100 worth of art paint! Talk about art attack!

Another section these little bog rats love to delve their greasy little hands in to is the fishing aisle. There must be something about the smell, makes them think of home and their sad simple lives. Also there is the connection between their memory span and that of the fishes themselves ... the fishes being of slightly higher capacity of course. This numbness of brain must also lead them to think that the discarded packets
for their stealing's must belong with the bins and drinking glasses!!! ... yes my section just for the record.

Thieving Mofos Never Looked This Slick ;-)
Now I bring you to the part of the story when I was confronted with pure and utter stupidity. I was approached by a young lady in her late teens. It wasn't a particularly warm day but she was wearing a tank top with no jacket. She was also sporting a raggy mane and jittery eyeballs. I thought she was a bit special for these reasons but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She came up and started questioning me about the kitchen scales. She wanted to know how many "ounces" (of drugs) it would measure up to. Claiming her "pet hamster" (drug pusher) needed exact amounts. I thought this was a bit odd but I explained it all to her. She then went "nah it costs too much". Surely you saw the price before you picked it up you mangy cow! Anyway after I vacated her company I uttered my usual under breath "idiot" and continued tidying up. I later reached the kitchen scales. I was curious so I continued to inspect the boxes to see if she had actually bought one. BEHOLD the same amount of boxes but one open and empty! So this druggy slag cuntess thought she would find out every detail of the item she was planning on stealing from a member of staff first? REALLY?! I then wrote down the name of the item, description of the girl, the approx time of the theft and reported her to management. All those who think her singular brain cell should be put up for adoption say AYE! .. oh wait it died.


Don't trust a person who paints a lot.

Don't trust a fishing enthusiast.

Don't trust people who wear reverse season clothing!

They are all robbing scummy bums!

Friday, 29 July 2011

Attack of the Prams

What is it about women with prams? They think they have right of way, queens of the pavement if you will. This is especially tiresome when they bring their road hog ways in store.

One particular day there were two women, one with a single and another with a double pram who made it their mission to get in my damn path! I am trying to make my way to the toil
et for some light relief and I am blocked by this gang of mothers and babies. It seems motherhood has made them blind to general courtesy. And by using the words "excuse me can I get through please" I was presented with scowls of disgust and total reluctance.

"Eurgh, I Have A Pram" "Eurgh, I Don't Have A Shit To Give!"

As politeness was an epic fail I proceeded to weave through them to complete my lavatory mission. And ironically enough I returned a minute later to a completely clear route, only to be confronted with the exact same road block for the next half an hour, down every aisle I entered attempting to actually do my job!! GARGH!!!!

Inconsiderate aisle blocking mum's ROLL ON!!!

Thursday, 21 July 2011

The Curse Of The Elderly Lady

Howdy reader! Today I would like to touch on a popular theme from within my blog. I always say that the most extreme examples of ridiculous behaviour originate from the very young and the elderly. One woman merits a special mention. She was the definition of miserable and punch worthy.

I am approached by a rather flustered frail little old lady. Who looks a bit like this:
Moustache Included!

She fails to introduce herself with the usual "hello" "excuse me" and proceeds straight into the unpleasantness. With a quivering lip and her arms vibrating angrily side to side like she was scratching vinyl as part of her DJ set "Why is there NOBODY in the garden centre?!" "Oh isn't there I'l..." "Been in there for ten minutes and there is no-one to help me". She creases her face and shakes her jelly a little more. "I'll just go get someone called down there for you". Then as I turn to make my way to customer services. "I shouldn't have to wait, it's ridiculous!". I turn to give her a reassuring smile as she continues to BLAH on and on, then as I carry on walking I can't resist saying to myself "SHUT ... THE FUCK ... UP-A!!!!" If her voice was an object it would most definitely be described as a grater. I got the call out done and then did what any sane person would do and hid from the moany old cow!!!

EURGH! Crypt keepers!

Saturday, 25 June 2011

Happy Shoppers

To get through the day at work you do need to create a certain amount of humour. As they say, "If you don't laugh, you'll cry". And this is most definitely the case working in retail. HOWEVER some customers think this also applies to them, it doesn't. Ask me where something is, that's fine. Ask me to get the price for an unlabeled item, gladly! But keep your oh so hilarious comments to yourself. Maybe it's the unfortunate demographic of our customers but they are about as funny as a funeral!

I'll examplify shall I?

A rather rugged but in no way handsome Indian man in his mid 30's approaches me with what I presume is his also unfortunate looking girlfriend. He begins to oralise in a low and serious tone. "can I ask you something?" "yes" "You know that sign on the door which says no dogs allowed? ..." Now at this point people I presume he is going to ask me about where would be the best place to tie his dog up or if it would be ok to bring a small dog in store. But to my total and utter amazement he finishes his sentence
with " ... so does that mean 80% of the women in Coventry?" .................................................... In case you are wondering those dots represent the silence that followed. And of course my "really?!" face. "It was supposed to be funny. Ha Ha" Now the fact he actually SAID the words Ha Ha just goes to prove how metorphorically shite his joke actually was. Moral of the story, ugly people shouldn't tell ugly people jokes!

"Really?!" Face

Now the previous array of stupidness was the literal kind of bad joke humour. But some people also believe that unecessary sarcasm is in order when they can't get what they want.

A lady approaches me around Christmas time holding a snowman light. She utters "Do you have any more of these? The battery back is missing on this one" I respond with the standard "If there aren't any more on the shelf then I'm afraid we don't have any in stock". Then like a parrot she repeated what she had said previously "But this one doesn't have a back on it". At this point I simply shrugged "There's nothing I can do" as I was just lost for words to reply to her ignorance. She then stomped her pound shop heels, smiled like a twat and with all the sarcasm she could muster "Thanks for all your help" then turning like a robot in the other direction she spits out some more dire wit "He must love his job". Now I'm not the best at controlling my temper but I let her walk about 10ft before pronouncing "YES I FUCKING LOVE IT! SERVING CUNTS LIKE YOU!!!!!" AAH that felt better.

More stories about nob jocks and fanny flaps coming your way soon :-)

Thursday, 2 December 2010

Attack of the Brats!

Working in a shop may be described as dire, mundane and repetitive (all accurate), but it is by far the best way to see a cross section of society which you don't get to experience anywhere else. They have the whole spectrum. Lovely/horrid, posh/hobo, funny/"funny". But today I would like to focus on the opposite ends of the age range. Babies/children and the elderly.

Now don't get me wrong the majority
of children/elderly people who come up to me are the most polite people you will ever meet but there are also a ton of them who belong in the land of RUDE!

In this entry I'll start with those little passive aggresive ones they call 'babies' or 'tykes'. I like to call them, BRATS! Now I am aware that they have no control over their emotions but they must know that they are annoying other people unnecessarily when they scream at the top of their lungs ... for nothin
g but attention! I'll give you an example. A mum and three tots (awful combo!) were strolling through the shop and the whole time it was like the mum just wanted to get away from them. This may sound a bit out of order but if you had three screeching toddlers following you around a shop you would want to do the same whether or not they were related to you. Two of them in particular were especially aggravating. And funnily enough every time I tried to move away from them they would move to the same section! GARGH! It reached boiling point when the little boy hit the little girl with a hat or some other random item, the girl belting out an almost operatic wail and then the mum turning to the both of them and proclaiming "Right! That's it! You've ruined it now. You've ruined my whole weekend! No more shopping". She then stormed out the shop leaving the tots looking a little confused.

And then all three in unison "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"! running after her. The shop was oddly silent after that.

Older kids are even more dumbfounding and ridiculous. I am returning a trolley to the warehouse with a lot of heavy crap on it. Then as I am passing by one of the aisles a young boy of about 10 comes skidding out (on his knees) at the end of it. I am instantly angered and yell at him in my most disgruntled of voices "EXCUSE ME!". I then throw him a look of disgust which tells him "You are indeed a retard and need to fix up. This ain't no saturday Night Fever, it's a shop. So enough with the slip 'n' slide bitch!"

So as I said at the start most kids are polite and behave themselves while in the shop but I thouroughly dislike the previously mentioned type of children! They should be kept on leashes! Actually whoever invented child braces I like you A LOT!

Watch this space for my rant about elderly people :-p

Sunday, 28 November 2010

Oh Young Man!

Not being funny but there are a fair few randy mares out there. They come in all shapes and sizes but they mainly come in the form of middle aged women.

I have recently had several of these cougar-e
sque creatures asking me for "help" at work. "OH! Young man!" is what their eyes say while their mouth is saying something ridiculous and obvious like "Would you be able to reach that bread bin from the top shelf for me please?". I reach up and they go into montage mode in which I become the object of their sexual desire.

It's not just bread bins either. Storage containers, egg whisks, door mats etc which result with me being in all arrays of compromising positions. I'm not gonna lie, I love the attention and tend to give them a bit of a show ;-). Then I crack their fantasy in h
alf by passing them the item and saying in my campest tone "Is tha' what you were lookin' for my love". The facial expressions are priceless and it is definitely a highlight in that dull enviroment.

I'm such a fanny tease ;-)

The Prey

More new material coming soon. Sorry I left it so long x

Sunday, 18 April 2010


Working in a shop on a Saturday is oh such fun! Especially when it is mega sunny and warm outside and everyone else is basking in the rays of glory! The best part is dealing with a sudden spout of hayfever which I have never ever had! The first time I get it is inside at work for 9 hours and still sneezing now at 1 in the morning GRR!

Hayfever Face

On top of all this hoo-haa was a day full of proper gonks!

1. An Old couple (yes this is a definite pattern!) ask me to get something from the top shelf being the giraffe like creature I am. They then ask me a fateful question about art & crafts.

Old man "
Also do you have acetate sheets?"

Me "*EEK*
what is that?"

Old Man "
You know the plastic sheets"

All this helpful information is making my head explode!

Me "
I'll go ask the department manager"

The department manager tells me we don't have any. I return to the couple.

Me "
Sorry we dont supply it"

Old Man "
That's ok thanks for asking"

Two Minutes Later I Have Returned To My Previous Activity.

The Old Man holds up an alien package for me to see.

Old Man "
I think maybe you need to tell your manager that she doesn't know her department very well"

Maybe I don't really care!

2. Later on a European man approaches me with his girlfriend. He has an aggresive nature about him.

European Man "
Do you have one of these swings?"

Me "
This one here yeah?"

European Man "

Me "
I'll just check to see if we have one round the back"

He then lifts and taps the sign attatched to the swing which says "Take Away Today" and lets out a breath of "
huh" smugness. Damn those signs! They give excess power to the enemy!

I brush him off and don't allow him to revel in his ability to read English.

There are several of the swings in the warehouse and he wants to know how big it is. I show him through the warehouse door and then the ponce walks into the warehouse.

Me "
Excuse me you're not allowed in the warehouse"

He ignores me big time.

European Woman "
Get out *hehe*"

European Man "

They both head out the store.

Me "
O .... K"

3. Me & my department manager need to take out a trampoline for a young mother. I go to get a flat bed trolley as those things are damn heavy! As I roll the trolley towards where the tramploines are near the tills a young-ish couple come out with a regular trolley and I have to swerve to the complete opposite side to avoid their tunnel vision path! Then as I pass them the guy utters "
prick" WHAT A FUCKING FUCKING FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FACE! "I'm well hard in front of my girlfriend with my fat face because I can say the word prick" is what you should have said MATE!

4. After taking a second trampoline out we return to the main entrance and a worker from Sainsbury's comes over to us with a trolley from our shop.

Sainbos Worker "Someone left this, left this outside of our shop"

My Department Manager "
Oh did they. That was silly of them" (her sarcasm is so subtle I fackin lav it!)

Sainsbos Worker "*deep tone*
Yeah" Toddles off

Me "
Geez she was a happy chappy"

5. Lastly I would like to mention a song which was the bain of my life for my first 2 months working in my current position. The track is called 'Download Me I'm Free' and his name is Lazlo Blane. And believe it or not the prior sentence is actually part of the lyrics! This nightmare of a musical "accomplishment" is not too disimilar to an advert on TV which makes you want to smash your brand new 42" flat screen! EVERYONE who works at my place HATES it with a passion and we were all so relieved when one day it was not played (after being played at least 5 times per shift previously - not even exaggerating). Then today the fateful intro scorched itself into my hayfever ridden head "
BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH" is how it starts so you can imagine how annoying the rest is.

Item Of The Day: Cat Repeller. Tag Line
Bye Bye Pussy! :-D

All in all a typical Saturday with super typical annoyances!