Tuesday 15 May 2012

Bunting. FUCKING BUNTING!!!!!

Today's tale has become one of my most told and now I will share it with the rest of you. I have had my fair amount of rude, moronic and simply stupid customers coming up to me. But if anyone was to ask me who was the most memorable, the BUNTING MAN would be the first to come to mind.

It was just before the royal wedding in 2011 and I was helping a young woman in her late 20's select the right size storage container for her kids toys. I actually had an excellent sales assistant/customer rapport going on with her and we had just found the perfect box when this happened ...


I feel a bulky-sweaty-red-faced-alcoholic-lard-belly presence approaching me. I directly avoid eye contact (standard) and continue speaking to the lady I am already serving. I then feel his overly stubbly face popping my personal bubble so I look up to avoid being exhaled on by his bogging fumes. 


I am then "greeted" with the doziest most unintelligible laying of words I've ever heard "GOT BUNTIN'?!" Excuse me? What now? Was that English? Are you sure you formed a whole sentence?


After wiping the spit from my mug I realised just how much this guy looked like a Monster Munch character, only nowhere near as tasty. I had no idea what this "BUNTIN'" was so I did what any other sane person would do and asked "What do you use it for?". I received a look of hatred as though I had robbed his first Special Brew six pack of the day (which I could presently see sweating out of his pores). He looked at me with utter disgust when I asked this question "What do you mean, What do you use it for?!" At this point I had to have so much self restraint even though I wanted to burst. I slowly released my next few sentences through gritted teeth so he could thoroughly understand "I don't know what it is? ... So if you don't tell me what it is ... then I won't be able to tell you if we sell it or not?" He then realised he had been a dick head and sheepishly said "It's for the royal wedding" followed abruptly by me "by customer services" I then swivelled and turned my back to him before he could continue with his arrogance. How am I supposed to know what bunting is? I'm sorry but I wasn't alive during the last royal wedding in 198-fucking-1!!! Obviously I know what it is now ..

Buntin' innit?!


... but that's not the point. I asked him a simple question and as if he wasn't being rude enough already by interrupting me and another customer he had the cheek to try and condescend over me. Yeah mate the only thing you have a plus on me with is your age! So take your bunting and stick it up your arse flag by flag!!! You leech!


Leech = a customer who interrupts you while you're already serving somebody because they are too idle, ignorant and lazy to find someone else!


Next Week: Foreign Exchange.

Tuesday 8 May 2012

Till Says No! - Part. 2

As promised here is the sequel to the previous rolling off of till tramps! This week I shall be describing to you the other array of twat sacks who I serve on a day to day basis via the check outs. 

The first port of call is The Awkward. This customer will always approach you with a friendly manner and are normally so cheery that it will make you want to actually do your job and serve them with a smile (Shocking I know but it does happen). HOWEVER by the end of the transaction you seriously just want to END them! The reason being is once all the pleasantries are over and done with they begin with the awkwardness. One time I am serving a lady and her elderly mother. She tells me to let her know once the toll has reached a certain amount. I think this is a fairly simple request and I comply. I have scanned about 5 items and she says with haste as though she is trying to get her sentence out before shitting her panties "How much is that now?!" It is not anywhere near the amount she sited but she still quizzes it. "How is that much already?!" I'd never had to utter the next phrase I use but blatantly she is an imbecile "I've scanned the items and that's how much it's come to" DOINK! She then sucks up more till time by asking me to check each individual item and their prices. She decides that the dancing penguin Xmas decoration she has picked up is £10 more expensive than it was on the shelf. I then get a person from the seasonal department to go check and she goes with him (remember my queue is already building at this point). She returns after discovering she was very wrong about her observations and decides "No I won't have that then". So then after cancelling that item we go back to scanning and she decides there are two more items she doesn't want. Then reaching her limit she decides she wants to lower it causing me to have to cancel yet more items. I get a casual "thank you" as she leaves with her herd of bags while I am left with half a fucking department on my counter because of her indecisive zombie like shopping skills #AWKWARD!!!

And last but most definitely not the least quiet of the bunch. The Tantrum. I have so many examples of these attention seeking toddlers (who are supposedly grown adults) but I will just give you an idea with one brat tale.

Brewing Tantrum Face!



It's a busy Sunday during the festive season and I have scanned more Xmas decorations than I care to remember. My mouth is dry, my mood is solemn, my brain is melting from being on the till too long and I quite frankly just can't be dealing with any more customers but alas my queue is humongous and it is soon to be full of inappropriately irate shoppers. I have just reached for the last item in a ladies basket and to my absolute amazement (sarcasm) there is no label to scan. I ask for a member of staff from that department to go get one for me. As the store is full to the brim they have a little trouble getting there and back. This is quite understandable on an extremely busy day, well it is to everyone but the ABSOLUTE CLIT CLOT BITCH SMEG COCK FACE behind the lady I am serving. No more than 30 seconds after my colleague has gone on a search for the label he nudges forward with a smarmy vagina looking expression on his mug. "Can you not just serve the rest of us while you are waiting" As though he was the voice of the customers republic! "I can't do that I'm afraid" "There must be a way you can do it ..." then louder so everyone could hear "... WHAT KIND OF SHOP IS THIS?" Then the lady I am actually serving and attempting to help chirps in with her shrill grandma clungey voice "I don't want to hold everybody up. You should serve the next person" Then other people behind the sap are nodding subtly - what is this, am I firing up an angry mob. They might attack! Then the ring leader beeps back in "This is ridiculous! I have permission from this lady to be served". My reply "NO" ... I turn away. 


You just need to be firm with a tantrum ;-)

See you next week for a lesson in bunting! believe me you don't want to miss it :-)

Tuesday 24 April 2012

Till Says No! - Part 1

I am normally located on the shop floor while at work. But from time to time I will be summoned to the check outs. Now normally this is a breeze and you're just there to relieve the queues and then you're off again. HOWEVER on the odd occasion it can feel like a conveyor belt of invalids passing you one after another. There are various types of till twats of course and this I shall be discussing today.

The first of these half breeds is The Rude. One particular day I had been majorly busy on the shop floor and had a lot more to do before the end of my shift. While in the middle of one of these activities I was inconveniently called to the tills. I wasn't too happy about this but went unwillingly anyway. My face was that of glumness and aggravation. As some of the customers had been waiting a while in the previous queue they were stood in I was not greeted with very gleeful punters, rather a line of murderous and vacant stares. Like I'm bothered that you've been waiting 5 minutes in a queue while I've been sweating my bollocks off all day trying to make the shop a nicer and more efficient place for you to shop! Anywho, I served the first couple who completely blanked me. At this point I avoided there blatant ignorance by checking on the length of my queue. I noticed that two people down this lady around 65 was giving me bare evils! Normally this would make me act hostile towards her but I thought that I would prove her obvious thoughts of me wrong and be overly nice as she approached the till. I CLEARLY said "hi" and then as I had no response but a creased up grimaced granny fanny face staring back at me with disgust I started scanning her items. Then she spits "HELLO?" I halt my scanning and look at her with confusion "sorry?" She boils and shakes like a saggy wrinkled volcano and repeats like a spacker "HELLO?!"

 Volcano Face!


She has said this singular greeting word to me as though I had had my back turned to her the whole time and had not greeted her. I then said with all the angst in my belly "I actually already said hi to you". Her volcanic eruption was soon made dormant with that as she feebly responded "well that's OK then" I then gracefully launched the full bag at her and flung the receipt into her decrepit hands as I sent her on her un-merry way!


Next on the cattle march is The Pompous. I am confronted with a middle aged couple. The woman is instantly opening bags and preparing to pack with her head down. I then look to the husband and his pig ugly red face. Yes people this is most definitely a case of battered wife! So I am already taking a disliking to this man and my opinion is not improving by the end of this story. The last item I scan is a gravy boat and it's base. The grunter asks me very arrogantly for some bubble wrap and claims in his condescending tone "or it's going to break isn't. It should already be in bubble wrap to be honest" *tut*. I then gladly tell him and his stinking attitude that we don't provide bubble wrap. His then complete ignoramus reply is "That's ridiculous! All shops have bubble wrap. Harrods provide bubble wrap". Harrods? FUCKING HARRODS?!!! Look around man bitch we are not on Oxford Street and this is not bloody London! if it was I certainly wouldn't be sitting here working to assist tits like you! in reality I simply shook my head at him and abruptly shrugged as I turned away from him. "That's it I'm going to wait in the car!" BYE BYE NOW! His wife then continued to pack and pay. I was nothing but polite to her as I knew what was awaiting for her back in that car!  


So be on the look out for The Rude and The Pompous for me friends and make sure you give them a swift back hander! Thanks!!!!

Part. 2 next week - we look at The Awkward and The Tantrum

Tuesday 17 April 2012

Off the Scale!

Howdy y'all!!!!

I've been an idle moron and not written in a while. But this can mean only one thing. lots more customer related mayhem to fill you in on!!!

It seems that a singular day does not go by at work without a theft of some sort. Yet another reason why I find it extremely difficult to be pleasant to some of these zombies.
They are potentially trying to ask you the locations of items they wish to hoard under their scabby track suits and for the ladies ... under their scabby track suits, until they casually sway like a primal ape out of the store with the concealed item.

The main reason I am anti-thief is because I have to tidy up the fucking pandemonium mess they leave behind. I once found a mountain of security strips clinging to the packaging of an item which evidently didn't need one of the bloody things on it let alone 57! I then discovered what seemed to be the whole of the arts & crafts section in a laundry basket with yet more s
trips amongst them. This little hobo had stolen more than £100 worth of art paint! Talk about art attack!

Another section these little bog rats love to delve their greasy little hands in to is the fishing aisle. There must be something about the smell, makes them think of home and their sad simple lives. Also there is the connection between their memory span and that of the fishes themselves ... the fishes being of slightly higher capacity of course. This numbness of brain must also lead them to think that the discarded packets
for their stealing's must belong with the bins and drinking glasses!!! ... yes my section just for the record.

Thieving Mofos Never Looked This Slick ;-)
Now I bring you to the part of the story when I was confronted with pure and utter stupidity. I was approached by a young lady in her late teens. It wasn't a particularly warm day but she was wearing a tank top with no jacket. She was also sporting a raggy mane and jittery eyeballs. I thought she was a bit special for these reasons but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She came up and started questioning me about the kitchen scales. She wanted to know how many "ounces" (of drugs) it would measure up to. Claiming her "pet hamster" (drug pusher) needed exact amounts. I thought this was a bit odd but I explained it all to her. She then went "nah it costs too much". Surely you saw the price before you picked it up you mangy cow! Anyway after I vacated her company I uttered my usual under breath "idiot" and continued tidying up. I later reached the kitchen scales. I was curious so I continued to inspect the boxes to see if she had actually bought one. BEHOLD the same amount of boxes but one open and empty! So this druggy slag cuntess thought she would find out every detail of the item she was planning on stealing from a member of staff first? REALLY?! I then wrote down the name of the item, description of the girl, the approx time of the theft and reported her to management. All those who think her singular brain cell should be put up for adoption say AYE! .. oh wait it died.

Morals:

Don't trust a person who paints a lot.

Don't trust a fishing enthusiast.


Don't trust people who wear reverse season clothing!


They are all robbing scummy bums!