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Today's tale has become one of my most told and now I will share it with the rest of you. I have had my fair amount of rude, moronic and simply stupid customers coming up to me. But if anyone was to ask me who was the most memorable, the BUNTING MAN would be the first to come to mind.
It was just before the royal wedding in 2011 and I was helping a young woman in her late 20's select the right size storage container for her kids toys. I actually had an excellent sales assistant/customer rapport going on with her and we had just found the perfect box when this happened ...
I feel a bulky-sweaty-red-faced-alcoholic-lard-belly presence approaching me. I directly avoid eye contact (standard) and continue speaking to the lady I am already serving. I then feel his overly stubbly face popping my personal bubble so I look up to avoid being exhaled on by his bogging fumes.
I am then "greeted" with the doziest most unintelligible laying of words I've ever heard "GOT BUNTIN'?!" Excuse me? What now? Was that English? Are you sure you formed a whole sentence?
After wiping the spit from my mug I realised just how much this guy looked like a Monster Munch character, only nowhere near as tasty. I had no idea what this "BUNTIN'" was so I did what any other sane person would do and asked "What do you use it for?". I received a look of hatred as though I had robbed his first Special Brew six pack of the day (which I could presently see sweating out of his pores). He looked at me with utter disgust when I asked this question "What do you mean, What do you use it for?!" At this point I had to have so much self restraint even though I wanted to burst. I slowly released my next few sentences through gritted teeth so he could thoroughly understand "I don't know what it is? ... So if you don't tell me what it is ... then I won't be able to tell you if we sell it or not?" He then realised he had been a dick head and sheepishly said "It's for the royal wedding" followed abruptly by me "by customer services" I then swivelled and turned my back to him before he could continue with his arrogance. How am I supposed to know what bunting is? I'm sorry but I wasn't alive during the last royal wedding in 198-fucking-1!!! Obviously I know what it is now ..
Buntin' innit?!
... but that's not the point. I asked him a simple question and as if he wasn't being rude enough already by interrupting me and another customer he had the cheek to try and condescend over me. Yeah mate the only thing you have a plus on me with is your age! So take your bunting and stick it up your arse flag by flag!!! You leech!
Leech = a customer who interrupts you while you're already serving somebody because they are too idle, ignorant and lazy to find someone else!
Next Week: Foreign Exchange.
As promised here is the sequel to the previous rolling off of till tramps! This week I shall be describing to you the other array of twat sacks who I serve on a day to day basis via the check outs.
The first port of call is The Awkward. This customer will always approach you with a friendly manner and are normally so cheery that it will make you want to actually do your job and serve them with a smile (Shocking I know but it does happen). HOWEVER by the end of the transaction you seriously just want to END them! The reason being is once all the pleasantries are over and done with they begin with the awkwardness. One time I am serving a lady and her elderly mother. She tells me to let her know once the toll has reached a certain amount. I think this is a fairly simple request and I comply. I have scanned about 5 items and she says with haste as though she is trying to get her sentence out before shitting her panties "How much is that now?!" It is not anywhere near the amount she sited but she still quizzes it. "How is that much already?!" I'd never had to utter the next phrase I use but blatantly she is an imbecile "I've scanned the items and that's how much it's come to" DOINK! She then sucks up more till time by asking me to check each individual item and their prices. She decides that the dancing penguin Xmas decoration she has picked up is £10 more expensive than it was on the shelf. I then get a person from the seasonal department to go check and she goes with him (remember my queue is already building at this point). She returns after discovering she was very wrong about her observations and decides "No I won't have that then". So then after cancelling that item we go back to scanning and she decides there are two more items she doesn't want. Then reaching her limit she decides she wants to lower it causing me to have to cancel yet more items. I get a casual "thank you" as she leaves with her herd of bags while I am left with half a fucking department on my counter because of her indecisive zombie like shopping skills #AWKWARD!!!
And last but most definitely not the least quiet of the bunch. The Tantrum. I have so many examples of these attention seeking toddlers (who are supposedly grown adults) but I will just give you an idea with one brat tale.
Brewing Tantrum Face!
It's a busy Sunday during the festive season and I have scanned more Xmas decorations than I care to remember. My mouth is dry, my mood is solemn, my brain is melting from being on the till too long and I quite frankly just can't be dealing with any more customers but alas my queue is humongous and it is soon to be full of inappropriately irate shoppers. I have just reached for the last item in a ladies basket and to my absolute amazement (sarcasm) there is no label to scan. I ask for a member of staff from that department to go get one for me. As the store is full to the brim they have a little trouble getting there and back. This is quite understandable on an extremely busy day, well it is to everyone but the ABSOLUTE CLIT CLOT BITCH SMEG COCK FACE behind the lady I am serving. No more than 30 seconds after my colleague has gone on a search for the label he nudges forward with a smarmy vagina looking expression on his mug. "Can you not just serve the rest of us while you are waiting" As though he was the voice of the customers republic! "I can't do that I'm afraid" "There must be a way you can do it ..." then louder so everyone could hear "... WHAT KIND OF SHOP IS THIS?" Then the lady I am actually serving and attempting to help chirps in with her shrill grandma clungey voice "I don't want to hold everybody up. You should serve the next person" Then other people behind the sap are nodding subtly - what is this, am I firing up an angry mob. They might attack! Then the ring leader beeps back in "This is ridiculous! I have permission from this lady to be served". My reply "NO" ... I turn away.
You just need to be firm with a tantrum ;-)
See you next week for a lesson in bunting! believe me you don't want to miss it :-)
