Friday 29 July 2011

Attack of the Prams

What is it about women with prams? They think they have right of way, queens of the pavement if you will. This is especially tiresome when they bring their road hog ways in store.

One particular day there were two women, one with a single and another with a double pram who made it their mission to get in my damn path! I am trying to make my way to the toil
et for some light relief and I am blocked by this gang of mothers and babies. It seems motherhood has made them blind to general courtesy. And by using the words "excuse me can I get through please" I was presented with scowls of disgust and total reluctance.

"Eurgh, I Have A Pram" "Eurgh, I Don't Have A Shit To Give!"

As politeness was an epic fail I proceeded to weave through them to complete my lavatory mission. And ironically enough I returned a minute later to a completely clear route, only to be confronted with the exact same road block for the next half an hour, down every aisle I entered attempting to actually do my job!! GARGH!!!!

Inconsiderate aisle blocking mum's ROLL ON!!!

Thursday 21 July 2011

The Curse Of The Elderly Lady

Howdy reader! Today I would like to touch on a popular theme from within my blog. I always say that the most extreme examples of ridiculous behaviour originate from the very young and the elderly. One woman merits a special mention. She was the definition of miserable and punch worthy.

I am approached by a rather flustered frail little old lady. Who looks a bit like this:
Moustache Included!


She fails to introduce herself with the usual "hello" "excuse me" and proceeds straight into the unpleasantness. With a quivering lip and her arms vibrating angrily side to side like she was scratching vinyl as part of her DJ set "Why is there NOBODY in the garden centre?!" "Oh isn't there I'l..." "Been in there for ten minutes and there is no-one to help me". She creases her face and shakes her jelly a little more. "I'll just go get someone called down there for you". Then as I turn to make my way to customer services. "I shouldn't have to wait, it's ridiculous!". I turn to give her a reassuring smile as she continues to BLAH on and on, then as I carry on walking I can't resist saying to myself "SHUT ... THE FUCK ... UP-A!!!!" If her voice was an object it would most definitely be described as a grater. I got the call out done and then did what any sane person would do and hid from the moany old cow!!!

EURGH! Crypt keepers!

Saturday 25 June 2011

Happy Shoppers

To get through the day at work you do need to create a certain amount of humour. As they say, "If you don't laugh, you'll cry". And this is most definitely the case working in retail. HOWEVER some customers think this also applies to them, it doesn't. Ask me where something is, that's fine. Ask me to get the price for an unlabeled item, gladly! But keep your oh so hilarious comments to yourself. Maybe it's the unfortunate demographic of our customers but they are about as funny as a funeral!

I'll examplify shall I?

A rather rugged but in no way handsome Indian man in his mid 30's approaches me with what I presume is his also unfortunate looking girlfriend. He begins to oralise in a low and serious tone. "can I ask you something?" "yes" "You know that sign on the door which says no dogs allowed? ..." Now at this point people I presume he is going to ask me about where would be the best place to tie his dog up or if it would be ok to bring a small dog in store. But to my total and utter amazement he finishes his sentence
with " ... so does that mean 80% of the women in Coventry?" .................................................... In case you are wondering those dots represent the silence that followed. And of course my "really?!" face. "It was supposed to be funny. Ha Ha" Now the fact he actually SAID the words Ha Ha just goes to prove how metorphorically shite his joke actually was. Moral of the story, ugly people shouldn't tell ugly people jokes!

"Really?!" Face

Now the previous array of stupidness was the literal kind of bad joke humour. But some people also believe that unecessary sarcasm is in order when they can't get what they want.

A lady approaches me around Christmas time holding a snowman light. She utters "Do you have any more of these? The battery back is missing on this one" I respond with the standard "If there aren't any more on the shelf then I'm afraid we don't have any in stock". Then like a parrot she repeated what she had said previously "But this one doesn't have a back on it". At this point I simply shrugged "There's nothing I can do" as I was just lost for words to reply to her ignorance. She then stomped her pound shop heels, smiled like a twat and with all the sarcasm she could muster "Thanks for all your help" then turning like a robot in the other direction she spits out some more dire wit "He must love his job". Now I'm not the best at controlling my temper but I let her walk about 10ft before pronouncing "YES I FUCKING LOVE IT! SERVING CUNTS LIKE YOU!!!!!" AAH that felt better.

More stories about nob jocks and fanny flaps coming your way soon :-)