Till Says No! - Part 1

I am normally located on the shop floor while at work. But from time to time I will be summoned to the check outs. Now normally this is a breeze and you're just there to relieve the queues and then you're off again. HOWEVER on the odd occasion it can feel like a conveyor belt of invalids passing you one after another. There are various types of till twats of course and this I shall be discussing today.

The first of these half breeds is The Rude. One particular day I had been majorly busy on the shop floor and had a lot more to do before the end of my shift. While in the middle of one of these activities I was inconveniently called to the tills. I wasn't too happy about this but went unwillingly anyway. My face was that of glumness and aggravation. As some of the customers had been waiting a while in the previous queue they were stood in I was not greeted with very gleeful punters, rather a line of murderous and vacant stares. Like I'm bothered that you've been waiting 5 minutes in a queue while I've been sweating my bollocks off all day trying to make the shop a nicer and more efficient place for you to shop! Anywho, I served the first couple who completely blanked me. At this point I avoided there blatant ignorance by checking on the length of my queue. I noticed that two people down this lady around 65 was giving me bare evils! Normally this would make me act hostile towards her but I thought that I would prove her obvious thoughts of me wrong and be overly nice as she approached the till. I CLEARLY said "hi" and then as I had no response but a creased up grimaced granny fanny face staring back at me with disgust I started scanning her items. Then she spits "HELLO?" I halt my scanning and look at her with confusion "sorry?" She boils and shakes like a saggy wrinkled volcano and repeats like a spacker "HELLO?!". 

 Volcano Face!

She has said this singular greeting word to me as though I had had my back turned to her the whole time and had not greeted her. I then said with all the angst in my belly "I actually already said hi to you". Her volcanic eruption was soon made dormant with that as she feebly responded "well that's OK then" I then gracefully launched the full bag at her and flung the receipt into her decrepit hands as I sent her on her un-merry way!


Next on the cattle march is The Pompous. I am confronted with a middle aged couple. The woman is instantly opening bags and preparing to pack with her head down. I then look to the husband and his pig ugly red face. Yes people this is most definitely a case of battered wife! So I am already taking a disliking to this man and my opinion is not improving by the end of this story. The last item I scan is a gravy boat and it's base. The grunter asks me very arrogantly for some bubble wrap and claims in his condescending tone "or it's going to break isn't. It should already be in bubble wrap to be honest" *tut*. I then gladly tell him and his stinking attitude that we don't provide bubble wrap. His then complete ignoramus reply is "That's ridiculous! All shops have bubble wrap. Harrods provide bubble wrap". Harrods? FUCKING HARRODS?!!! Look around man bitch we are not on Oxford Street and this is not bloody London! if it was I certainly wouldn't be sitting here working to assist tits like you! in reality I simply shook my head at him and abruptly shrugged as I turned away from him. "That's it I'm going to wait in the car!" BYE BYE NOW! His wife then continued to pack and pay. I was nothing but polite to her as I knew what was awaiting for her back in that car!  


So be on the look out for The Rude and The Pompous for me friends and make sure you give them a swift back hander! Thanks!!!!

Part. 2 next week - we look at The Awkward and The Tantrum. 

Off the Scale!

Howdy y'all!!!!

I've been an idle moron and not written in a while. But this can mean only one thing. lots more customer related mayhem to fill you in on!!!

It seems that a singular day does not go by at work without a theft of some sort. Yet another reason why I find it extremely difficult to be pleasant to some of these zombies. They are potentially trying to ask you the locations of items they wish to hoard under their scabby track suits and for the ladies ... under their scabby track suits, until they casually sway like a primal ape out of the store with the concealed item.

The main reason I am anti-thief is because I have to tidy up the fucking pandemonium mess they leave behind. I once found a mountain of security strips clinging to the packaging of an item which evidently didn't need one of the bloody things on it let alone 57! I then discovered what seemed to be the whole of the arts & crafts section in a laundry basket with yet more strips amongst them. This little hobo had stolen more than £100 worth of art paint! Talk about art attack!

Another section these little bog rats love to delve their greasy little hands in to is the fishing aisle. There must be something about the smell, makes them think of home and their sad simple lives. Also there is the connection between their memory span and that of the fishes themselves ... the fishes being of slightly higher capacity of course. This numbness of brain must also lead them to think that the discarded packets for their stealing's must belong with the bins and drinking glasses!!! ... yes my section just for the record.

Thieving Mofos Never Looked This Slick ;-)

Now I bring you to the part of the story when I was confronted with pure and utter stupidity. I was approached by a young lady in her late teens. It wasn't a particularly warm day but she was wearing a tank top with no jacket. She was also sporting a raggy mane and jittery eyeballs. I thought she was a bit special for these reasons but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She came up and started questioning me about the kitchen scales. She wanted to know how many "ounces" (of drugs) it would measure up to. Claiming her "pet hamster" (drug pusher) needed exact amounts. I thought this was a bit odd but I explained it all to her. She then went "nah it costs too much". Surely you saw the price before you picked it up you mangy cow! Anyway after I vacated her company I uttered my usual under breath "idiot" and continued tidying up. I later reached the kitchen scales. I was curious so I continued to inspect the boxes to see if she had actually bought one. BEHOLD the same amount of boxes but one open and empty! So this druggy slag cuntess thought she would find out every detail of the item she was planning on stealing from a member of staff first? REALLY?! I then wrote down the name of the item, description of the girl, the approx time of the theft and reported her to management. All those who think her singular brain cell should be put up for adoption say AYE! .. oh wait it died.

Morals:

Don't trust a person who paints a lot.

Don't trust a fishing enthusiast.

Don't trust people who wear reverse season clothing!

They are all robbing scummy bums!