Sunday 18 April 2010

Satur-Fucking-Days!

Working in a shop on a Saturday is oh such fun! Especially when it is mega sunny and warm outside and everyone else is basking in the rays of glory! The best part is dealing with a sudden spout of hayfever which I have never ever had! The first time I get it is inside at work for 9 hours and still sneezing now at 1 in the morning GRR!

Hayfever Face


On top of all this hoo-haa was a day full of proper gonks!

1. An Old couple (yes this is a definite pattern!) ask me to get something from the top shelf being the giraffe like creature I am. They then ask me a fateful question about art & crafts.

Old man "
Also do you have acetate sheets?"

Me "*EEK*
what is that?"

Old Man "
You know the plastic sheets"

All this helpful information is making my head explode!

Me "
I'll go ask the department manager"

The department manager tells me we don't have any. I return to the couple.

Me "
Sorry we dont supply it"

Old Man "
That's ok thanks for asking"

Two Minutes Later I Have Returned To My Previous Activity.

The Old Man holds up an alien package for me to see.

Old Man "
I think maybe you need to tell your manager that she doesn't know her department very well"

Maybe I don't really care!

2. Later on a European man approaches me with his girlfriend. He has an aggresive nature about him.

European Man "
Do you have one of these swings?"

Me "
This one here yeah?"

European Man "
Yes"

Me "
I'll just check to see if we have one round the back"

He then lifts and taps the sign attatched to the swing which says "Take Away Today" and lets out a breath of "
huh" smugness. Damn those signs! They give excess power to the enemy!

I brush him off and don't allow him to revel in his ability to read English.

There are several of the swings in the warehouse and he wants to know how big it is. I show him through the warehouse door and then the ponce walks into the warehouse.

Me "
Excuse me you're not allowed in the warehouse"

He ignores me big time.

European Woman "
Get out *hehe*"

European Man "
BLAH BLAH see how big BLOB BLOB BLOB"

They both head out the store.

Me "
O .... K"

3. Me & my department manager need to take out a trampoline for a young mother. I go to get a flat bed trolley as those things are damn heavy! As I roll the trolley towards where the tramploines are near the tills a young-ish couple come out with a regular trolley and I have to swerve to the complete opposite side to avoid their tunnel vision path! Then as I pass them the guy utters "
prick" WHAT A FUCKING FUCKING FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FACE! "I'm well hard in front of my girlfriend with my fat face because I can say the word prick" is what you should have said MATE!

4. After taking a second trampoline out we return to the main entrance and a worker from Sainsbury's comes over to us with a trolley from our shop.

Sainbos Worker "Someone left this, left this outside of our shop"

My Department Manager "
Oh did they. That was silly of them" (her sarcasm is so subtle I fackin lav it!)

Sainsbos Worker "*deep tone*
Yeah" Toddles off

Me "
Geez she was a happy chappy"

5. Lastly I would like to mention a song which was the bain of my life for my first 2 months working in my current position. The track is called 'Download Me I'm Free' and his name is Lazlo Blane. And believe it or not the prior sentence is actually part of the lyrics! This nightmare of a musical "accomplishment" is not too disimilar to an advert on TV which makes you want to smash your brand new 42" flat screen! EVERYONE who works at my place HATES it with a passion and we were all so relieved when one day it was not played (after being played at least 5 times per shift previously - not even exaggerating). Then today the fateful intro scorched itself into my hayfever ridden head "
BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH" is how it starts so you can imagine how annoying the rest is.

Item Of The Day: Cat Repeller. Tag Line
Bye Bye Pussy! :-D

All in all a typical Saturday with super typical annoyances!

Friday 16 April 2010

Yoohoo! Where The Fuck Are You?!

I don't understand why certain people ask for your help if they have no intention of taking your advice. In the same sense I do not like customers who ask you where something is, you take them to it and they are still not happy! Frickin' prunes!

Both of the following events happened today:

1. A Scottish lady approaches me with an awkwardness about her.

Scottish Lady "
Excuse me, do ya sell hooooooks?"

Me "
What kind?"

Scottish Lady "
To hang yer coa' on"

Me "
We do indeed, I'll just show you where they are"

I take the Scot to the aisle containing the hooks. Just to clarify I say ..."
is this what you were looking for?" ... expecting an immediate "yes thank you" but noooooooooo!

Scottish Lady "
Nooooo it gooes over the door on the inside ar yer wardrobe so you can hang up shirts and that"

There are some over door hooks right in front of her but she still denies that these are the right ones.

Me "
I will need to find someone else who knows about D.I.Y. cos I don't know what you mean. I'll be back in a minute." Making her feel superior by faking my own stupidity :-p

I go to customer service and ask my workmate if we have any of the mythical hooks. She tells me to go to the same aisle I was just on. We have a giggle that the customer is being a noob and then I return to the aisle to discover she has gone! What a flange!


2. Then a few hours later another old couple (you already know they are gonna be trouble, those budgerigar keepers!) calls me over.

Female Budgie Keeper "
You have all these twist and lock bathroom fixtures. Is there a bathroom rail in the collection"

I have no idea so take a gander at the end where the twist and lock items are kept.

Female Budgie Keeper "
They have a towel rail but not a hand rail. The lady said there was one here (LIE)"

Me "
Wait here, I will go and double check just in case we are out of stock"

I return to the same spot a few minutes later and yet again my customer has vanished! Is there a magical kingdom where they have all been transported to? The wandering customers. Maybe I will see them again one day in another dimension!


Why O'Why do they persist in wasting my time and effort? Next I may just reply with "
David says no" I bet they won't disappear so quickly then WAH WAH WAH!

Saturday 10 April 2010

You Make Me Physically Sick!

Yo Bitches!

Got some material of legendary proportions for you from work. Recently we have been having a lot of garden furniture delivered (with the summer approaching fast and all). So being part of the seasonal staff I am expected to take orders, help customers to their cars with humongous and quite frankly beach whale Gazebos (among other items)! This is fine and usually ends with a "
thank you ever so much" from the customer ... but not always.

1. I am called to customer service to help an elderly couple with a request about one of the swing houses which is on offer.

Old Lady "
I saw on the internet that this swing house turns into a bed. Could you show me how it works"

Me "
This one doesn't turn into a bed"

Old lady "
OH it does. I saw it advertising"

I inspect the swing house just to humour her knowing fully well that there is no way this structure transforms from a seat into a bed.

Me "
Are you sure it is this exact one?"

Old Lady "
YES it is"

ATTITUDE!

Me "
Ok come to customer service with me and I'll look through the patio catalogue to make sure"

She trots along behind me with a look of cock sure bewilderment on her stroppy face! Her husband bringing up the rear ;-) ... I look through the catalogue and find the swing they are interested in. SHOCK SHOCK HORROR HORROR the photo does not show it as a bed and nowhere in the description does it say that it is convertable!

Me "
That's not the one that turns into a bed"

Old lady "
Well it was advertised that way"

This was the sentence she then came back with everytime I tried to tell her she basically wasn't getting the cheap swing as a bed. What was wrong with this biatch? Her husband finally chipped in and saved me after I simply fell silent.

Old Man "
Love, it ain't gonna convert into a bed. It's completely rigid on the sides"

Old lady looks towards me with her ridick determined expression yet again.

Old Lady "
That is the right one"

When will this tyrant give up and die?!

Me "
Sorry it isn't and I can't help you with it"

Old Lady "
Is there anybody who can?"

Me "
I am on my own today"

Old Lady "
OK well thanks. Bye *fake laugh*"

My eyes rolled so much I nearly lost them to the back of my head.

2. A lady (if you can call her that) returns an antique style chester drawer because it is damaged. I help my colleague swap it with another one in better condition and we haul it downstairs. We then hover around customer services for 5 minutes waiting for this 'half-breed' to finish browsing. My colleague eventually decides to tell her that we are ready to take the drawer to her car to put in her boot for her. She gestures that she is ready and so me and my work mate take it outside into the car park ready to load up. 5 minutes later we started to wonder where she was so we went back inside.

The BREED is only in the exact same place! My colleague tells her that we have been waiting for her (which the evil witch already knew). So FINALLY we get the box into her car and she says to both of us in the driest tone ever "
You'll need to have a week off sick now"

:-O FUCKING SLUTTY SLUT McSLUT SLUT-HO BAG! However she was right, the sight of her face all scrunched and crow like was enough to make anyone take leave!

Lessons Learned: Old women are annoying and and breeds shouldn't be allowed into any public space without a leash.

CIAO FOR NOW DEAR READER x

Monday 5 April 2010

Do You Need Some Help? ... No Really?

As I have laid out in the blog description this is all about the silly things people say and do at my workplace. Here are a few classics which have happened in my first two months of employment.

1. A customer comes up to me and is already pre-occupied by his current phone call ...

Customer "Do you sell air dusters in here?"

Me "What is one of those?"

Customer "It's like a box ... with air in it"

Me (what I really wanted to say) "May i suggest you go buy ... a box?"

Safe to say I told him we didn't have said item in store. Well described customer!!!


2. An elderly gentleman approaches me with what appeared to be his middle aged daughter ...


Elderly man "Do you sell memory foam mattresses in here?"

I didn't quite hear him as I was facing the other way as he came stammering towards me.

Me "What was that sorry?"

Elderly Man "Do you sell mem..."

Middle Aged Daughter "Mattresses! Do you sell mattresses?"

I was a bit taken aback by her out lash - chill out love it's a sleeping aid not a fucking lifeline!

Elderly man "the memory foam ones. Do you have them?"

Me "yes we do if you just go upstairs they are on the opposite side"

Apparently when I clearly uttered these words it sounded like something completely different as the daughter chipped in unnecessarily AGAIN!

Middle Aged Daughter "What? You wouldn't know anything about that?"

WTF BITCH!

Me "NO. They are upstairs"

The elderly man noticing the growing tension between me and his daughter then ushered her away saying "come on, upstairs" may the gay-lord bless him :-D

3. A rather butch and muscly German comes up to me ...

German Muscle Man "*inaudible English* BLAH BLAH BLAH need a forklift BLAH BLAH BLAH no-one there round back"

Me "Excuse me WHAT now?"

German Muscle comes out with the same BLAH.

Me "OK come with me to customer services and I'll get someone called out for you"

German Muscle doesn't move.

German Muscle Man "I need forklift"

MOVE IT!!!

Me "yes I understand (I didn't) but you need to come to customer services as i DO NOT deal with that"

He was stressing so much that his veins were popping! It was very akin to the middle aged daughter. HELP ME OR I WILL DIE!!!! Calm the fuck down!

4. An East-Asian foreigner stops in front of me ...

Asian Man "
You have scale to do the weigh?"

Me "
You mean weighing scales?"

Asian man "
No no no. To weigh how much"

Me "
Oh you mean to weigh food?"

He then puts on a show letting me know how his requested item operates like I'm the thick one!

Asian man "
You stand on and it tell you how much you weigh"

Me "
Yes WEIGHING SCALES (what I said in the first flippin' place!)"

Anyway that is all for now. Expect more bitching about super silly customers who think I am their personal slave. Hope you enjoyed reading :-D x